The Ring

Tomorrow, March 18, marks one month since Daniel passed away. Already. As much as I incredibly miss him, I am always intentional about also thinking about how much Heaven is a much better place for him -- the best place. God is so faithful in His comfort. God is teaching me that the importance of our relationships on Earth pale to the all-consuming importance of our relationship with Christ. When He calls us home, to be with Him is far better.


I've been enjoying this beautiful spring-like weather with Josiah and Kezia. We went for a walk with a friend and her kids yesterday on the dyke, and I took the kids to a favorite park last week, Cliff Park. Here are some snapshots:

 

As I often find myself reflecting on many of the special times I was blessed to have with Daniel, I wanted to share with you the story of my engagement ring. This photo was taken the day we got engaged, May 26, 2008.

The month prior to our engagement, Daniel and I went ring shopping. Once I picked out my favorites, we decided that Daniel would surprise me with the final choice. After settling on the store we wanted to purchase from, I went with my mom to pick out my top rings. Then Daniel and I went back so I could show him my favorites and tell him why I liked them. He had out his pen and paper and took notes, though he told me later that after I showed him the ring above he only pretended to take notes on the other rings. He knew that was the one.

The reason why is the story I want to share.

Daniel picked this ring because of the symbolism with which he invested it. It's a three-stone ring, one larger diamond flanked by two very small ones. When you look at the ring, the centre stone is by far what catches your eye first.

The centre stone represents Christ, while he and I are represented by the two small stones. Daniel wanted the ring to always remind us of the importance of living in such a way that Christ is the obvious centre of our lives and we take a backseat to Him.

Not only was the design of the ring significant, but he took it one step further. The actual diamonds he chose were important. Starting with the centre diamond, the sales associate brought one out and showed its quality to him under the microscope, but he rejected it because it wasn't clear enough. Then she had to take it back to the vault and sign another out. He did this several times, even to the point of annoying the associate! That was rather bold of Daniel, because if you knew him you know that he hated being a bother to anyone. He was adamant, however, that the centre diamond be as pure and clear as possible as it represented Christ.

In contrast, he specifically asked for the two small side stones to be flawed and marred, just as we are. He wanted the centre stone to be unrivaled in its beauty and resilience. He wanted it to be obvious which stone was the most important.

Throughout Daniel's journey through cancer, because he couldn't speak he would take my hand, point to my ring, and look into my eyes as if to say, "Remember."

I will.

A Surprise from Daniel

I was putting things away in my china cabinet and took out the ring box I have displayed there. I opened it to this: a few years ago Daniel made a scavenger hunt for me all over the house, hiding squares of Ritter Sport chocolate with a x or an o which I would then "redeem" for the corresponding hug or kiss. He hid so many I was finding them for months after; now years. He was such an amazing husband.

It hurts that I won't be able to redeem this one...

The grieving process

It continues to be a busy few weeks for me, taking care of a lot of details because of Daniel's passing. But first I want to say a big thank-you to so many of you who are still faithfully serving God by helping me and my kids. Thank you for the babysitting, meals, funds, prayers, and acts of service. It means so very much, especially during this still very new period of grieving.

The funeral home coordinator gave me a standard six page checklist of all the things that need to be addressed when someone dies -- basically to close down the person's life. So, I've been dealing with government, banks, credit cards, vehicle insurance, phone stuff, land title stuff, and life insurance. Plus I've ordered the cemetery marker. There is still lots to do as I need to file income taxes and redo my will now, but wow, I am so glad we did our wills and bought life insurance when we bought our townhouse. God continues to provide.

So, that's the busyness of my days, though I'm being careful to pace myself and not try to do too much in a day. I'm building in things I enjoy doing, and I'm being intentional to not try to drown the grief with distractions. I have my healthy ups and downs, giving all of my emotions to God and allowing myself to miss him and grieve ... but with hope! I have continued to fill my mind with God's Word. There is an aspect, however, of having been grieving for a year already. With each new loss of Daniel's strength and ability since January 2014 especially, I have been grieving so intensely for what seems like so long.

For the past several months, each time I would say goodbye to Daniel and leave his hospital room, I was saying my final goodbyes. With his condition, there were so many unknowns and I knew I might not see him alive again. I said final goodbyes to my love twice a day for month after month. So yes, I have been grieving a lot already. But while Daniel was alive, of course, it was a different kind of grieving. God hadn't yet given us His answer, so it was always mixed with the hope that God would heal his earthly body. But even that was weighed down by seeing the intense suffering that Daniel was going through.

Now, with God having given us His answer, there is the joy of knowing Daniel is whole and happy beyond anything he experienced here on Earth. But also, there is the relief of knowing Daniel suffers no longer; the relief that his care and advocacy are no longer my responsibilities because God has called His faithful servant home, safe with Him; the relief that now I know that this is how God has chosen to most glorify Himself! That is what I prayed for! I am no longer in a heart-wrenching suspense. I can boldly continue on without my beloved because I know that God is and will continue to be glorified, that He will continue to provide for my kids and I, and especially because I know I will see Daniel again when the Lord calls me home.

Until then, it is my heart's desire to continue to serve the God Whom my wonderful husband served so faithfully. It was such a privilege to be Daniel's wife -- to be chosen by such a godly man. No, six years certainly doesn't seem nearly long enough, and yes, we asked for earthly healing, but God has never given me a reason to think He doesn't know what He is doing or isn't powerful enough to bring about His purposes, so I will choose to trust Him. He will never let me down. To Him be the glory, forever and ever.

I have said my last goodbye to my beloved husband. All that is left is one last hello.