Something's Missing

Over the past several weeks, I have been trying to identify and process a feeling I have. It seems like half of me is missing. I feel like several emotional limbs have been severed and I keep experiencing their loss over and over again.

It’s not just that my best friend, husband, and co-equal in our labour for Christ is gone, it’s that part of me went with him when he was called home to Heaven. It’s such a strange feeling to have my best friend gone from here but knowing he is literally worshipping God in His glorious presence at this very moment. The godly man with whom I shared every part of life is now being blessed with utter intimacy with our Lord, praising Him beyond how he had always dreamed.

This has had a profound impact on me. I look at life differently, and my goals are more refined. I interpret life – decisions, values, everyday life – in a more focused way; a sort of “Heaven lens.” The way I interact with friends, with new Christian acquaintances, with unbelievers around me – there’s a different focus. I am more able to be intentional with getting to the important things, being more gently and genuinely up front about God and His work in my life, and with seeing people in general more the way God sees them, in light of eternity. Yes, I still have a long way to go as Christ keeps refining me, but I am so very thankful for how God has already been changing me through this crucible.

Yesterday, I attended a strata meeting for my townhouse complex. I sat with two ladies – one I just met and the other I knew very little. In the course of our conversation, I mentioned my recent bereavement. Their faces fell and their lungs deflated, and they offered their sincere condolences. But as usual for me now, I never let it stay there for long. I broke into a big smile and said how happy I am for Daniel that he is with Jesus, and how amazing God has been in His faithfulness and provision for me. Yes, I said, it’s so hard, but God is good.

The one lady whom I knew a little said, “Oh, your husband was the guy who worked at Timberline, right?” She said when her daughter first saw him several years ago around the complex, she had excitedly told her mother, “Mom! You’ll never guess who lives here now! Stringy!!!” Daniel had gotten that reaction from several kids around our neighbourhood.

The lady I just met said she admired my strength. She said if that ever happened to her husband, she knows she would turn bitter and resentful. Both indicated they didn’t understand how I could be so strong. I told them plainly, “The only way to get through this is with Christ. There is no way otherwise.” They were glad I had my way, and the conversation moved on and the meeting started. I trust God will use that encounter in their lives for His glory.