The Last First

Last Thursday, the 18^th, marked the first anniversary of Daniel’s death. Friends have remarked to me that it's hard for them to believe it's been a year already, and yet it feels like five years since he was here. I can relate.

During the days leading up to the date, I was unsure of what the day would hold for me. Would it be really hard? Super emotional? I anticipated that it would differ from the “gauntlet” of December, not in significance but in context. December was the first birthday, Christmas, and wedding anniversary without Daniel, all in a matter of ten days. Those days have been special for years, holding many wonderful memories, now turned bittersweet.

  

February 18^th only gained significance last year, and in a different way. Its passing didn’t commemorate what used to be especially good memories that day in the past, but rather a marking of Daniel’s homecoming and his deliverance from intense suffering. All things considered, it was an incredibly happy day for him; for me and the kids, a dark first day of temporary separation.

This past Wednesday evening, the 17^th, was in some ways harder. Last year, that was the last evening I had with him. The last time I saw him alive, even though he was almost totally unresponsive. The last time I held his hand; told him I loved him; said my last goodbye.

Oh, how I look forward to when we are reunited!

On Sunday, several friends, the kids, and I gathered at Daniel’s grave after church for a little worship service. We sang some of his favorite hymns and songs, read a few of his favorite Scripture passages, reminisced about what we admired about him, and thanked God for Daniel’s life and legacy and for his current joy with Jesus. It was a special time.

Thank you to all of you who have shared encouraging words with me and sent me Facebook messages telling me you’re praying for the kids and I. That means so much. Thank you to Timberline for the beautiful flowers.

I thank God for how He has been working in my heart this past year, strengthening me to emotionally process that very traumatic season, healing me from the pain (a process that won’t end until Heaven), and helping me dream new dreams. My prayer is that He would give me the wisdom and discernment to make the decisions which would glorify Him the most.

To Him be all the glory.