Treasure Hunting

Yesterday I spent most of my free time (while the kids were sleeping) going through Daniel’s books. He had a great collection of resources: theology and doctrine, Christian reference, relationship building, family centred, apologetics, biographies of Christian missionaries, C. S. Lewis and Tolkien, and even many on juggling, magic tricks, and story-telling.

That crammed six-foot bookshelf (and the overflow throughout the house) was a microcosm of his many and varied interests. As a true home schooler, he loved to go to the thrift store and search through the book section to uncover books that could teach him something he wanted to learn. One of Daniel’s attributes I most loved about him was his constant quest to improve – himself, his systems at work, our family life, our home, etc. His initiative to strive for God-honouring progress in all areas of life was and still is inspiring to me. I think that quality was one of the major things that contributed to his far-reaching impact.

Daniel’s mom mentioned an anecdote to me this week. Over the years, she told her neighbour friend about Daniel, whom she never met, and many of the things he was interested in and accomplishing. The friend thought she was just another mom bragging about her son, as it seemed a little over the top. The friend came to Daniel’s memorial service and remarked to her afterwards, “You didn’t say enough!”

Going through the shelves, some of the treasures I found were his journals and Bible Study workbooks. Many of the journal entries I read were actually prayers. Reading how Daniel expressed his heart to God before I knew him, his desires for a wife, to make a difference, and to do more to bring God glory was wonderful to reflect on, though bittersweet. The sorting process was definitely emotionally draining for me, but good.

Two things he wrote I wanted to share with you. They were in a Bible Study workbook on prayer from around ’04-‘06. One of the chapters taught on Heaven and then encouraged writing down reflections and then a prayer based on the chapter’s theme. The first part was the statement: Write down two things you think will be special about heaven, and that make you happy you are going to be there. First, Daniel circled one of the author’s answers: ‘Heaven will be a place of perfect peace with none of the cares of life that frustrate us.’ The answers he then wrote were:

1. Being able to have a face to face, growing relationship with Jesus (and not fail Him anymore).

2. Being able to worship God with a pure heart, mind, and soul.

And then this is the prayer he wrote:

It's hard to express how comforting and amazing it is to read about his hopes and dreams about Heaven, and to know through the truth of God's Word and the comfort of the Holy Spirit that his dreams are being far exceeded right now. Praise God.

Something's Missing

Over the past several weeks, I have been trying to identify and process a feeling I have. It seems like half of me is missing. I feel like several emotional limbs have been severed and I keep experiencing their loss over and over again.

It’s not just that my best friend, husband, and co-equal in our labour for Christ is gone, it’s that part of me went with him when he was called home to Heaven. It’s such a strange feeling to have my best friend gone from here but knowing he is literally worshipping God in His glorious presence at this very moment. The godly man with whom I shared every part of life is now being blessed with utter intimacy with our Lord, praising Him beyond how he had always dreamed.

This has had a profound impact on me. I look at life differently, and my goals are more refined. I interpret life – decisions, values, everyday life – in a more focused way; a sort of “Heaven lens.” The way I interact with friends, with new Christian acquaintances, with unbelievers around me – there’s a different focus. I am more able to be intentional with getting to the important things, being more gently and genuinely up front about God and His work in my life, and with seeing people in general more the way God sees them, in light of eternity. Yes, I still have a long way to go as Christ keeps refining me, but I am so very thankful for how God has already been changing me through this crucible.

Yesterday, I attended a strata meeting for my townhouse complex. I sat with two ladies – one I just met and the other I knew very little. In the course of our conversation, I mentioned my recent bereavement. Their faces fell and their lungs deflated, and they offered their sincere condolences. But as usual for me now, I never let it stay there for long. I broke into a big smile and said how happy I am for Daniel that he is with Jesus, and how amazing God has been in His faithfulness and provision for me. Yes, I said, it’s so hard, but God is good.

The one lady whom I knew a little said, “Oh, your husband was the guy who worked at Timberline, right?” She said when her daughter first saw him several years ago around the complex, she had excitedly told her mother, “Mom! You’ll never guess who lives here now! Stringy!!!” Daniel had gotten that reaction from several kids around our neighbourhood.

The lady I just met said she admired my strength. She said if that ever happened to her husband, she knows she would turn bitter and resentful. Both indicated they didn’t understand how I could be so strong. I told them plainly, “The only way to get through this is with Christ. There is no way otherwise.” They were glad I had my way, and the conversation moved on and the meeting started. I trust God will use that encounter in their lives for His glory.

Memorial Service video

It’s been nearly two months since Daniel went to Heaven, and just over a year since his cancer diagnosis, and thus when this blog started. This week I was thumbing through those first few posts and, wow, I had forgotten a lot. So much has happened during this past year.

A few of you have asked if I’m journaling through this process – well, you’re reading it. Daniel and I had chosen to be open, honest, and vulnerable from the start, not only to share specific prayer requests, but in hopes that God would use that openness for His purposes. It is so encouraging to learn of the (no doubt) mere sampling of how He has been using this. So, thank you for your encouraging words.

I have finally succeeded in uploading the video of Daniel’s Memorial Service. Although there were around 700 people who attended, I know there are many, many people who wished they could attend but were prevented because of work, geography, etc. So, here it is for you to share in. Thank you again to all who played a part in making that day so meaningful.

Daniel's Memorial Service video 

Going Back

It has been nearly two weeks since my last post. Life has been a mix of taking care of more details with Daniel's passing, continuing to form a new "normal" for however long that will last, accomplishing projects for my own sanity (cleaning and organizing, etc.), but also a lot of loneliness. Don't get me wrong, though; I have been so thankful for all of the support, encouragement, and welcoming smiles around me -- and all of that helps so much. But part of this grieving process is a profound sense of loneliness. Daniel was such an amazing husband and father, best friend and spiritual leader, that his death has left a huge hole in my heart and life. Only God can comfort me in those waves of missing him and begin to heal my heart as I remember the good times and try to imagine being that happy again. At the same time, however, I remember that life isn't about my happiness, but bringing glory to the God I serve.

Daniel's things from his hospital room were dropped off this week by the friends who emptied his room for me the day he passed away. I have spent some time going through the things, and I tell you, it's pretty hard. He kept a lot of his papers, for example, with his conversations with people -- the important ones that conveyed his feelings and stories. He kept them I think so he could refer back to them later. It's interesting reading through these one-sided conversations, and often just being overcome by his faith and his strength. Oh, how I miss him!

A week and a half ago, I visited the ward for the first time since the day Daniel's body died. I went on my own, having wanted to go back and say thank you for a long time but didn't have the opportunity with babysitting. Walking down the hall towards the first nurse I saw who had taken care of Daniel, I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotion that hit me. Daniel's passing was such an abrupt change to that very hard season of "normal," going from spending just about every evening at the hospital with him for seven months, to not being there at all and thus, not seeing any of those nurses either. Seeing the three familiar faces who were there that day was good but hard. I'm so glad I got the chance to say thank you and to pass along my thanks through them to the other nurses. One of the key nurses had been transferred down to Emerg. so I went down there on my way out. She wasn't on so I left a note.

The nurse who took my info said I was very brave to come back. I needed to. I knew I needed this closure. I then went back to the van and let out the emotion. Going back for this visit was painful and emotionally exhausting, yes, but I needed to do it so I could say another layer of goodbye -- not to Daniel, but to this extremely trying season through which God has sought to mature me. I am a better person because of it, and I rejoice in knowing God has been glorified through it, but I am still a battered, broken woman who has a big, raw hole in my heart that I am trusting God with to fill and heal. He knows what He is doing.

Here are a few excerpts of the notes Daniel left. I keep going back to them to remind myself of God's faithfulness -- so in that way, Daniel is certainly still being a spiritual leader.

The Ring

Tomorrow, March 18, marks one month since Daniel passed away. Already. As much as I incredibly miss him, I am always intentional about also thinking about how much Heaven is a much better place for him -- the best place. God is so faithful in His comfort. God is teaching me that the importance of our relationships on Earth pale to the all-consuming importance of our relationship with Christ. When He calls us home, to be with Him is far better.


I've been enjoying this beautiful spring-like weather with Josiah and Kezia. We went for a walk with a friend and her kids yesterday on the dyke, and I took the kids to a favorite park last week, Cliff Park. Here are some snapshots:

 

As I often find myself reflecting on many of the special times I was blessed to have with Daniel, I wanted to share with you the story of my engagement ring. This photo was taken the day we got engaged, May 26, 2008.

The month prior to our engagement, Daniel and I went ring shopping. Once I picked out my favorites, we decided that Daniel would surprise me with the final choice. After settling on the store we wanted to purchase from, I went with my mom to pick out my top rings. Then Daniel and I went back so I could show him my favorites and tell him why I liked them. He had out his pen and paper and took notes, though he told me later that after I showed him the ring above he only pretended to take notes on the other rings. He knew that was the one.

The reason why is the story I want to share.

Daniel picked this ring because of the symbolism with which he invested it. It's a three-stone ring, one larger diamond flanked by two very small ones. When you look at the ring, the centre stone is by far what catches your eye first.

The centre stone represents Christ, while he and I are represented by the two small stones. Daniel wanted the ring to always remind us of the importance of living in such a way that Christ is the obvious centre of our lives and we take a backseat to Him.

Not only was the design of the ring significant, but he took it one step further. The actual diamonds he chose were important. Starting with the centre diamond, the sales associate brought one out and showed its quality to him under the microscope, but he rejected it because it wasn't clear enough. Then she had to take it back to the vault and sign another out. He did this several times, even to the point of annoying the associate! That was rather bold of Daniel, because if you knew him you know that he hated being a bother to anyone. He was adamant, however, that the centre diamond be as pure and clear as possible as it represented Christ.

In contrast, he specifically asked for the two small side stones to be flawed and marred, just as we are. He wanted the centre stone to be unrivaled in its beauty and resilience. He wanted it to be obvious which stone was the most important.

Throughout Daniel's journey through cancer, because he couldn't speak he would take my hand, point to my ring, and look into my eyes as if to say, "Remember."

I will.

A Surprise from Daniel

I was putting things away in my china cabinet and took out the ring box I have displayed there. I opened it to this: a few years ago Daniel made a scavenger hunt for me all over the house, hiding squares of Ritter Sport chocolate with a x or an o which I would then "redeem" for the corresponding hug or kiss. He hid so many I was finding them for months after; now years. He was such an amazing husband.

It hurts that I won't be able to redeem this one...

The grieving process

It continues to be a busy few weeks for me, taking care of a lot of details because of Daniel's passing. But first I want to say a big thank-you to so many of you who are still faithfully serving God by helping me and my kids. Thank you for the babysitting, meals, funds, prayers, and acts of service. It means so very much, especially during this still very new period of grieving.

The funeral home coordinator gave me a standard six page checklist of all the things that need to be addressed when someone dies -- basically to close down the person's life. So, I've been dealing with government, banks, credit cards, vehicle insurance, phone stuff, land title stuff, and life insurance. Plus I've ordered the cemetery marker. There is still lots to do as I need to file income taxes and redo my will now, but wow, I am so glad we did our wills and bought life insurance when we bought our townhouse. God continues to provide.

So, that's the busyness of my days, though I'm being careful to pace myself and not try to do too much in a day. I'm building in things I enjoy doing, and I'm being intentional to not try to drown the grief with distractions. I have my healthy ups and downs, giving all of my emotions to God and allowing myself to miss him and grieve ... but with hope! I have continued to fill my mind with God's Word. There is an aspect, however, of having been grieving for a year already. With each new loss of Daniel's strength and ability since January 2014 especially, I have been grieving so intensely for what seems like so long.

For the past several months, each time I would say goodbye to Daniel and leave his hospital room, I was saying my final goodbyes. With his condition, there were so many unknowns and I knew I might not see him alive again. I said final goodbyes to my love twice a day for month after month. So yes, I have been grieving a lot already. But while Daniel was alive, of course, it was a different kind of grieving. God hadn't yet given us His answer, so it was always mixed with the hope that God would heal his earthly body. But even that was weighed down by seeing the intense suffering that Daniel was going through.

Now, with God having given us His answer, there is the joy of knowing Daniel is whole and happy beyond anything he experienced here on Earth. But also, there is the relief of knowing Daniel suffers no longer; the relief that his care and advocacy are no longer my responsibilities because God has called His faithful servant home, safe with Him; the relief that now I know that this is how God has chosen to most glorify Himself! That is what I prayed for! I am no longer in a heart-wrenching suspense. I can boldly continue on without my beloved because I know that God is and will continue to be glorified, that He will continue to provide for my kids and I, and especially because I know I will see Daniel again when the Lord calls me home.

Until then, it is my heart's desire to continue to serve the God Whom my wonderful husband served so faithfully. It was such a privilege to be Daniel's wife -- to be chosen by such a godly man. No, six years certainly doesn't seem nearly long enough, and yes, we asked for earthly healing, but God has never given me a reason to think He doesn't know what He is doing or isn't powerful enough to bring about His purposes, so I will choose to trust Him. He will never let me down. To Him be the glory, forever and ever.

I have said my last goodbye to my beloved husband. All that is left is one last hello.