Since the day after Daniel passed away in February, 2015, I
wanted to learn about what God wanted for me during this season of widowhood,
however long it may last. God had finally given His answer about healing Daniel
(it wouldn’t be earthly, but rather, heavenly healing). I didn’t contemplate
being a widow before it happened. I couldn’t. I needed to stay in the fight
right until the end. I wasn’t in denial about the possibility (at least I
eventually wasn’t), but I didn’t dwell on it because I was still married and
called to love my husband and fight for him.
And so, the day after my beloved met Jesus face to face, I
dug into God’s Word to learn about what He had to say about me now. This is
what I found:
“14 So I would
have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the
adversary no occasion for slander.” 1
Timothy 5:14 ESV
The larger context of this verse is about how to honour and
care for widows in the church. Paul gives instructions for who should care for
widows (if they can’t provide for themselves) and in what priority of
responsibility (vv. 3-8). Also, older widows over 60 who have good reputations
should be enrolled in an official capacity as mentors to help younger women of
the church in their households (vv. 9-10).
But what seemed to be happening with the younger widows is
after making a rash vow to God that they would never marry again and wanted to
commit themselves to His service alone, they began to desire marriage again and
went back on their commitment. They would even become gossips and busybodies as
they went from house to house “ministering.” This activity opened them and the
church up to slander (vv. 11-13).
So, that is why in verse 14 Paul talks about not giving the
adversary an occasion to slander – because the general tendency is for women
under 60 to have that desire again for having a family (though there is a
caveat in 1 Cor. 7:8-9 about the validity of widows who have been given the
gift of singleness remaining single).
Alright, so having studied all of this in depth (John
MacArthur does a fantastic job in his series on widows and the church), I
started to think about my response to verse 14 – specifically, remarriage.
Wow, what a foreign thought! I still felt married! I was
absolutely loyal and faithful to Daniel to the end. I couldn’t just make myself
feel single again! Not only that, I so very much enjoyed being married to
Daniel, and I couldn’t fathom anyone being as amazing as he was for me. I’m not
talking about unrealistically putting him on a pedestal – I’m talking about how
God used both our flaws and strengths in each other’s lives to make us more
like Christ.
But even more strongly than my devotion to Daniel was my
devotion to Jesus and what He had to say about His best for me. And so, even
from that day after Daniel died, even though I couldn’t wrap my head around
that possibility or even think it possible, I submitted my will to God’s,
asking Him to change me and shape my thinking. I gave Him control in this new
way in this new season.
Does that mean I just let Him “take the wheel” and sit back?
Oh, no. I had a job to do. I proceeded to spend countless hours in the Word,
reading the Bible and listening to hundreds of sermons, giving God the
opportunity to wash me with His thinking, His Truth, His best. By making that
time to be under His instruction of all kinds (doctrine and practical
application all over the Bible), His Word gave me the spiritual perspective I
needed.
By submitting to Him and trusting that He knew best, He
changed me. God’s Word and His eternal “big picture” gave me the strength to go
through those early stages of the grieving process, helped me adjust to the
immense loss of Daniel and our dreams and plans, and inspired me to start
thinking about what new things God might do.
There were a few moments of significant new perspective and
other more gradual changes in thinking and feeling. I’ve written in this blog
about a lot of those things He’s been teaching me. It has been and continues to
be a hard but necessary process.
Starting with the submission of my will, slowly my heart
opened up to the possibility and desire to remarry, though I was still fraught
with the doubt that there could be anyone like Daniel….Hmm, I just reread my
post from Dec., “The Things I Talk to God About.” Yeah, that was an especially
personal post. I hope you’ve read it, as it explains a lot of where I was at.
After that “gauntlet” of the Christmas season, my grief turned a corner. God
continued to heal me. Like I’ve said, I will always grieve, but it will look
different over time. But I digress….
I’m so thankful for the many friends who have shared
conversations, prayers, and tears with me through these past several months. By
talking through what God has been teaching me and changing in my perspective, I
have grown in my faith. And so, last fall, with the accountability of a good
friend, I stepped out in faith and re-joined eHarmony….
- To Be Continued -
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