The Last First

Last Thursday, the 18^th, marked the first anniversary of Daniel’s death. Friends have remarked to me that it's hard for them to believe it's been a year already, and yet it feels like five years since he was here. I can relate.

During the days leading up to the date, I was unsure of what the day would hold for me. Would it be really hard? Super emotional? I anticipated that it would differ from the “gauntlet” of December, not in significance but in context. December was the first birthday, Christmas, and wedding anniversary without Daniel, all in a matter of ten days. Those days have been special for years, holding many wonderful memories, now turned bittersweet.

  

February 18^th only gained significance last year, and in a different way. Its passing didn’t commemorate what used to be especially good memories that day in the past, but rather a marking of Daniel’s homecoming and his deliverance from intense suffering. All things considered, it was an incredibly happy day for him; for me and the kids, a dark first day of temporary separation.

This past Wednesday evening, the 17^th, was in some ways harder. Last year, that was the last evening I had with him. The last time I saw him alive, even though he was almost totally unresponsive. The last time I held his hand; told him I loved him; said my last goodbye.

Oh, how I look forward to when we are reunited!

On Sunday, several friends, the kids, and I gathered at Daniel’s grave after church for a little worship service. We sang some of his favorite hymns and songs, read a few of his favorite Scripture passages, reminisced about what we admired about him, and thanked God for Daniel’s life and legacy and for his current joy with Jesus. It was a special time.

Thank you to all of you who have shared encouraging words with me and sent me Facebook messages telling me you’re praying for the kids and I. That means so much. Thank you to Timberline for the beautiful flowers.

I thank God for how He has been working in my heart this past year, strengthening me to emotionally process that very traumatic season, healing me from the pain (a process that won’t end until Heaven), and helping me dream new dreams. My prayer is that He would give me the wisdom and discernment to make the decisions which would glorify Him the most.

To Him be all the glory.

Forever Home

My parents and I are in the process of building a house together. It’s a wonderful thing to look forward to! My dad has Alzheimer’s, and my mom, Daniel, and I had been talking about combining households since before Daniel was diagnosed with cancer in early 2014. And now, it’s even more important to have the added support. My parents will be in the self-contained suite on the lower walk-out level, and the kids and I on the upper two floors, giving us the extra spaces we need and don’t have now. What a blessing! Plus, Daniel’s uncle and cousin are building it for us!

 (Photo taken this past Sunday.)

I’m not moving far; only about ten minutes from where I am now. I definitely want to stay in Maple Ridge around all of the people who have been such an amazing support system on this very rough road.

I’ve always been interested in interior design and coming up with creative and cost-effective ways to make an inviting and beautiful home. Lately as part of my research to make wise decisions, I’ve been watching design videos online to get some more ideas. A phrase that keeps coming up when people are so pleased with their new dream home is they dub it their “forever home.” They never want to leave.

This struck me as interesting and somewhat saddening, given my heightened awareness of the temporary nature of this world. Every home, no matter how new it is or how much it cost, will break down and deteriorate over time; but more than that, everything we see will eventually burn to a crisp after Jesus Christ has returned and has reigned for a millennia on a temporarily renovated earth, and then He will destroy this current universe and recreate a New Heaven and a New Earth, totally and eternally free from any and all vestiges of the curse of sin (Revelation 21-22).

So, given that perspective, what are we living for? If all of this is temporary (and by God’s grace there are still many blessings in this fallen world), how are we to allow that eternal perspective to shape our decisions with our time, talents, and treasures? If it’s all going to burn up and we can’t take any of it with us, what is the point of the things we have? Is it merely to enjoy them, get personal pleasure from them, and to be comfortable? There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the blessings God chooses to give us to steward, but that shouldn’t be the end goal of those blessings. Jesus said in Matthew 6:19-21 (AMP):

           

19 Do not gather and heap up and store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust and worm consume and destroy, and where thieves break through and steal.20 But gather and heap up and store for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust nor worm consume and destroy, and where thieves do not break through and steal;21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Daniel mentioned this idea in his blog post here. He talked about an idea that resonated for him from Randy Alcorn’s “The Treasure Principle” of living for the line, not the dot – how eternity is like an unending line, and our brief lives here are merely a dot by comparison. That’s how Daniel lived. He saw his time, his gifts, our money, our things, and all of the other blessings from God as ways in which to glorify Him, to be used to help build God’s Kingdom. And those of you who knew him can attest to the great extent to which God used Daniel in the lives of so many for eternity.

And so, with the wonderful new house to look forward to (as the Lord wills), a constant theme and guiding principle in my mind is how can I use this blessing to not only bless my family but also be a blessing to many others? I look forward to opening my home by hosting a small group from my church, having friends and family over for encouraging conversations and fun, uplifting times. I see this new home as a tool to be used by God through the gifts He has given me to bring glory to His name.

Daniel is enjoying his forever home (though even that will look different eventually too when Rev. 21-22 happens). He is excitedly enjoying his eternal reward of having a great capacity with which to glorify and worship Jesus, face to face. And as much as I miss him, I am so happy that he already gets to be forever home.

The Things I Talk to God About

My grieving process has noticeably gone through various stages these past ten months. It started out raw, filled with the shock of finality mingled with relief; the wracking sobs juxtaposed with the joy that Daniel was whole and so utterly happy.

During these past few months, my grief still contains near daily bouts of tears, and hard waves of grief coming a few times a week. Still, several times every day, tears well up in my eyes as I think about how much I miss Daniel.

I'm in the middle of my first "ten-day gauntlet," I call it -- the first Christmas season. It started with Daniel's birthday on the 17th and ends with the 27th, our anniversary. It's most of the major "firsts" in a matter of days. I don't know how much energy I'll have for being with people in the midst of my ever-present grief. It's not that I'm expecting to be miserable; it's just that I'm tentative to expect something more than what I actually experience, which would just disappoint me even more than I already am with God's plan.

There. I wrote it.

That is part of how I'm feeling. I'm disappointed that God didn't give me (in this life) more time with such an amazing man who was the perfect match for me.

As I contemplate the possibility of marrying again, while part of me is hopeful, the other part remembers all of the intricate facets of my relationship with Daniel -- how well-suited we were for each other. And it's impossible for me to really imagine that kind of connection with anyone else.

Thus, I'm exceedingly disappointed that our perfect match was so short-lived, especially when I need him so profoundly. I need his spiritual leadership, his acceptance and encouragement, his wisdom, his joy and sense of humor, his being a father to my children, his arms to hold me.

My heart is shattered at our separation for the remainder of this life. My heart feels raw, gaping open and hemorrhaging. My daily life often just feels like I'm trying to survive and get through the day. Yes, teach and train the kids -- that's my primary role that's still so important -- but I feel like I'm simply treading water while trying to juggle. Even with having the important role of "mom," I feel like so much of life is aimless.

When Daniel died, so did our dreams together. There is so much less joy now that I don't have him with whom to dream and plan together. We were on this wonderful adventure together, and it was exhilarating living it by his side. Many evenings as we chatted about even little things in our living room, I would just think to myself how blessed I was to have such an amazing husband. I loved encouraging him, helping and supporting him, being so proud of him. I loved him. I always will.

This is why I feel so disappointed -- that what felt like just the beginning of a decades-long adventure was cut so short; what had just begun already ended.

It feels like the building of a great piece of music, flowing and soft with intricate melodies and harmonies. The symphony envelops you and carries you along. You're enraptured by it and you eagerly anticipate the weaving together of the beautiful, unique melodies.

Then a minor key filled with dissonance and foreboding. Then, mid-note, the players stop, close their books and haphazardly leave the stage. The piece will never be finished; the crescendo you longed for will never be played. It was never even composed. Utter disappointment.

I feel so incredibly sad that what should have been will never be. My children will never have Daniel to raise them. He had prepared for so long to be a godly father throughout all the stages of child-rearing, but he only had a few healthy years at it. Kezia wasn't even a year old when daddy was in so much pain and was forced to step back from being the involved father he so longed to be. She won't even remember what it was like having daddy home! That breaks my heart further.

A nativity scene that Daniel started carving. It will never be finished.

--

All of this is what I talk to God about. I'm honest with Him. I cry out to Him in my pain, sadness, and broken-heartedness. And just like my prayers, I cannot leave this entry without reminding myself and you of the truth I know for certain even in the midst of all of these feelings.

I know that:
- God is still on His throne, sovereign over all
- God is not surprised by the events that have disappointed me so much, nor by my disappointment
- God is the ultimate Composer, speaking ALL of creation into existence, and He's not done revealing the notes and harmonies He wrote before all of time even began
- My relationship with Daniel isn't over -- it is merely the intermission, and the second part will be even better than the first. No comparison!

The Global Family of Christ

Over and over again throughout my life, I have been struck by the beautiful unity of the family of believers in Jesus Christ no matter where we live. When I was a teenager, I went on several missions trips, and that's when I really first experienced the unique oneness that is automatically there when two believers meet for the first time. It didn't matter that we came from completely different cultures or didn't even speak the same language. We were family because we both knew our need of a Saviour and had the precious gift of the Holy Spirit.

It's that unity that has blessed me once again -- this time through my Compassion sponsor child. For the past three years, my family and I have been sponsoring a now 17 year old in Uganda. She is a precious young woman of God who is devoted to the Lord and preaching His Word in the poor agricultural area in which she lives.

I recently received a letter from her; it was her response to my letter informing her of Daniel's death. I had told her last year of his serious illness and asked for prayer. She and her family and friends have been praying for us -- so humbling.

Her response was so encouraging and empathetic. She told me that she and her family will continue to pray for me and my kids as we go on without Daniel, and she wonderfully reminded me that we will all be together in Heaven one day. To see those words written by a teenager across the world were so comforting, and they continue to make me praise God for the hope we have in Him.

Something she said that really impacted me was "our beloved Daniel." Even though we're a world away, because we are one in Christ there is an amazing God-given love and empathy we have for otherwise strangers. I praise God for her and her faithful prayers.

This blog too has been reaching people across the globe. Google tells me from which countries people are reading it. Many in Russia, the Ukraine, throughout Europe, South America, and a few here and there in quite random countries. It is my prayer that those international readers to whom I am otherwise a stranger would be affected by the Holy Spirit through what He has been teaching me in this trial.

May God be glorified.

A Day of Remembrance

Today, November 11^th, is the day we remember the men and women who went before us and fought to give us and guard our freedom. And for their sacrifice I am so thankful.

Nov. 11 is also a special anniversary for me for a completely different reason. It became a very special day to Daniel, to the point where he treated it nearly as important as our wedding anniversary. He would commemorate the day by giving me a handmade card and flowers. Even last year while in the hospital, he arranged a bouquet and a card to surprise me with when I visited him that evening.

So, you ask, why was the day so special?

It goes back to 1998. I was fifteen. It was another Wednesday just like today. Just like every other Wednesday evening, I attended Youth Group at church. Having “graduated” to Sr. High a few months earlier, a few friends and I decided to go visit the Jr. High room across the church and say hi to our former youth pastor. It was after the main program of the evening so we asked him what the Jr. High’s did that evening.

He said they talked about purity and abstinence and the importance of saving ourselves for our future spouse. These principles were quite familiar to us, and my friends and I all adhered to them. What was different was what my youth pastor did to help the youth to remember what was taught that evening – he handed out key necklaces. They were just random keys, cut and uncut, on black cords. They were meant to symbolize the key to our heart and that one person alone, our future spouse, had the right and privilege to open up our deep affection. My friends and I kind of felt like we missed out (being in Sr. High now), so we each asked for our own necklace. He happily obliged. We all put on our necklaces.

I don’t know what my friends did with those necklaces or whether they held any significance from that day on, but I know for me mine did. I remember going home and reading through my previous journal entry from Thanksgiving a month earlier:

“Dear Future Husband,

“Hi, how are you? I’m 15 and in grade 10. I was just wondering what you’re like. Have we met yet or are you still ‘down the line’? Where are you right now, how old are you and what are you doing?

“I was just listening to Jaci Velasquez’s song, ‘I Promise’. That is what spurred me to write to you for the first time. I plan on saving myself for you and I pray you are saving yourself for me. I believe that’s the best gift you can give to your spouse.

“It’s Thanksgiving and I wanted to let you know that years before we actually get married, I’m praying for you and I am thanking God for you. I can’t wait until I know who you are and when God’s almighty plan is revealed. I pray that you are, even now, a Christian and you are growing steadily in your Christian walk with God….”

-- and writing in my journal that night:

“Dear Diary,

“Today at Gap, I received a necklace with a key on it – the key to my heart. I plan to wear it as much as possible. I am committed to saving myself sexually for my future husband and this key is a sign of my commitment to that promise.”

I then took the journal up under my chin and laid the key on the page and carefully traced around it.

I would end up wearing that key for the next ten plus years. During those years, I was careful to not lose the necklace and never take it off. It wasn’t a matter of superstition, but of doing my best to invest that key with meaning and intentionality for my future husband. Even when I changed chains I still wore it. When I chose bathing suits, they were high-necked so the necklace wouldn’t come off in the water.

Yes, maybe a little strange, but my hope was my husband would feel loved when I gave it to him when we were married. I wondered if it would all be worth it – if my gift would be valued. I hoped.

Fast forward nine years. Daniel and I were getting to know each other. Daniel told me later that even though it was early in our relationship, he had been forming a strong attachment to me. Sometime during those early months, I told him the story and meaning of my key. When I told him, the emotion that came into his eyes – the hope that the key would be for him, and if it was, the value he gave my gift – was clearly evident.

Over the next year plus of our courtship and engagement, and it became clear that he would be the one who would receive my wedding present, whenever someone would ask about my necklace or when we gave a talk at youth camp that summer and I mentioned it, Daniel would just weep with the joy of knowing he had been valued enough by me for me to spend so much time and thought investing in his gift. It overwhelmed him.

During our engagement, I arranged to have lunch with Daniel and that youth pastor. I thanked him for the opportunity he gave me to show love to Daniel in such a special way, and informed him that I hadn’t taken the necklace off since. He was surprised. He had no idea that little visual aid idea would turn into something so meaningful. Both he and Daniel wept at God’s goodness. Tears filled my own eyes as I was able to encourage a man who helped me grow so much in my walk with God. Daniel so appreciated the chance to thank him personally.

Our wedding day came. After the wonderful celebration, we retreated back to our basement suite in Fort Langley, and by the light of the fireplace I lifted my necklace over my head for the first time, placed it in Daniel’s hand, and covered it over with his fingers. “I’m yours.” He wept with joy and thanked me.

It remained such a special reminder to him that he insisted on putting it under his pillow. When we moved that first year, as soon as we finished making the bed, it was the first thing he put back. Sometimes I would catch him looking at it late at night. And here I had merely hoped that my husband would appreciate it. It’s yet another example of how God exceeded my hopes and expectations in Daniel.

Today, I keep the key necklace in my safe, intertwined with Daniel’s wedding ring, and I thank God for the wonderful memories.

Choosing to Be Thankful

On this weekend, the Canadian Thanksgiving holiday, we are reminded to be grateful for the blessings God gives us.

In the midst of immense loss, it would be all too easy for me to focus on what I no longer have or the trials that I've been forced to endure. I am still emotionally processing all of the suffering I saw Daniel go through and went through myself. Plus, I am slowly journeying through the different stages of grieving for my beloved husband -- a lifelong process. 

But through it all I have chosen to be thankful. And while that choice is inherently an act of my will, it is only possible by the empowering of the Holy Spirit and the confidence in the hope I have in Jesus Christ. 

There's a lot I just said there, so let me unpack it. 

It's easy for me to choose to be thankful when life is going pretty well, when things have settled into a fairly even "normal," and there's nothing too hard to deal with. The temptation, however, is to take all of it for granted and start assuming that that's the way it should be because I've earned it. 

The flip side is when things get difficult and a challenge arises, and that's when I tend to start to complain. God has been teaching me to get to the point of choosing thankfulness faster, no matter the circumstance. So whether things are going relatively smoothly (and I battle a false sense of independence and entitlement) or another challenge comes up (and the battle of sinful resentment along with it), I need to use my will to intentionally be thankful to God despite my feelings. 

And then, yes, my feelings sluggishly follow.

I would like to share with you a story: a few years before I met Daniel, he went through a period of debilitating depression. Some very discouraging things in his life at that time brought it on and he spiraled down into a place of numbness and hopelessness. He took time off work, saw a doctor, began meds, had counseling, and started working through the complicated factors contributing to his condition. 

While all of those things helped his symptoms to a certain degree (though the meds created more problems which had to be dealt with), he told me that there were three things that really enabled him to climb out of that dark pit, gasping for fresh air. The first two were meditating on the Bible and intense, honest prayer.

The truth of the Bible informed his thinking, battling the almost-truths he had begun to believe and internalize. Prayer was a salve on his weary soul, turning his suffocating burdens over to the only One Who was powerful enough -- and yet gentle enough -- to handle them and actually do something about them. 

The third thing was his "Thankful List." As an outworking of what he was learning, he started a little list which he would pray through and thank God for each day. The only things he allowed on that list were the things in his life for which he was truly thankful. He refused to put on the list the things he was merely supposed to be thankful for just because that's what a good Christian does. Through prayer, he had to wade through the mire of his twisted feelings and cling to what he knew was actually true; only then could he be thankful for those things despite his feelings. That's when they went on the list.

Over the following weeks and months, his list grew and became too long and cumbersome for one day's prayer time. So, he started another...then another. Soon he had a list for each day of the week, which he programmed into his smartphone to pop up throughout the day to remind himself.

And thus, battling the lies of the depression he was in was largely won by choosing to be thankful for God's Word, His hope, and the many blessings in Daniel's life. It was a daily battle that had to be fought intentionally and with perseverance. And he never stopped. He had learned that once one had faced depression it was very easy to fall back into it. So he continued to guard against his tendency by praying through those Thankful Lists for years to come, even through all of our marriage.

Daniel wrote to me last year that the main reason he didn't fall into depression during his intense suffering with cancer was because God had prepared his heart and mind during that time several years ago. He already had his weapons bared and sharpened for this much tougher battle, and by the Holy Spirit's empowering he had the strength to wield them even as his body failed.

And so, whether my gratefulness is expressed quietly throughout my daily decisions or declared out loud at night during bouts of grief between sobs, it is through Daniel's inspiration and example that I too choose to be thankful for the hope that I have in Jesus Christ -- to live this life well to the glory of God.

A second "spring" in my backyard with flowers blooming again. Praise God for the hope we have in Him!

Past, Present, and Future

Today marks six months since Daniel was called home to Heaven. In some ways it doesn’t seem like it could have been that long. In other ways it feels like it’s been far, far longer since I was last with my best friend. These six months have been filled with a lot of reflection, many emotions, and much planning for the future.

The grief of not being with my beloved husband continues to be a daily companion. I say companion because even though the emotional waves are exhausting and just so hard to face each and every day – sometimes several times a day – my grief draws me closer to my Lord. Why? Because I have chosen to inform my grief with God’s truth. I have been immersing myself in Scripture and, thus, the Holy Spirit is changing the way I think and process. And so, every time another wave washes over me I embrace the grief and use it as another opportunity to draw nearer to God, ask Him my questions, praise Him that Daniel is so utterly joyful at that very moment, thank Him for the hope I have in Him too, and ask for the Holy Spirit to comfort me once again. He never fails.

The kids and I talk about daddy every day in little ways here and there. Josiah has taken a cue from me in his prayers and tells God that while he’s sad that daddy isn’t here, he’s so happy that daddy is with Him. Kezia’s face lights up when she sees photos of daddy and she knows it’s him.

We’re planning on moving across town in the next six months or so (part of the planning for the future I’ve been doing), and so I’ve been doing a lot of projects around the house to make the most of my time and investment. But the main reason I have been inventing projects is so I can keep my hands busy while I listen to rich sermons (specifically more John MacArthur). I am endeavouring to make the most of this season to not only accomplish goals by learning new skills and working with my hands, but by using my otherwise mostly empty evenings to get to know Jesus better and the people whom He worked through in Scripture. It has been so enriching.

I did spend several evenings in July as a mentor as a part of the Summer Advanced Leadership Training (SALT) program at Timberline. I was paired with a lovely 16-year-old, and I shared with her my story and she hers. I trust our conversations will help her as she grows into who God has called her to be. I know for me it was wonderful being back at TR and being part of the ministry to which my husband was so deeply devoted.

For those of you who would like to continue to pray for my family and I, first of all, thank you! My requests are that the upcoming transitions would be smooth. I am also starting homeschooling next month – yes, Josiah is entering kindergarten! And that the timing of the sale of my house would match well with moving. I am so thankful for the way God is providing for us and I continue to trust He will in the future. All for His Glory!


I took a few little videos of the kids singing at last night's bedtime. Both songs were popular choices at campfire and a few of daddy's favorites to sing to them.