100th Post and 99 Days

A friend of mine (who I met after Daniel passed away) told me the other day that she read through the entire blog over Christmas, having only read the newest ones so far. I was struck by how many posts that meant she read and how much that covered. Looking over the past nearly three years, I have seen how much God has been working on in me, how active He has been around me, and I’ve been reminded how graciously he worked in and through Daniel.

This 100^th post is something of a milestone for me. It comes at the beginning of a new year; a year in which I will remarry (99 days to go!). This blog carries with it a lot of history – the reflections of much hardship and intense trial, inviting others to join with us to take part in what God is doing, and the encouraging things along the way.  I don’t know what God will yet do through this humble blog (or in my life, for that matter!), but it is my prayer He will continue to work through Daniel’s and my story (along with David and my kids) for His glory.

Love Story Film and Engagement Photos

Our amazing wedding photographer and videographer husband and wife team, M&Him, put together this special film telling a bit about our story, as well as capturing many lovely moments in our engagement photos.

So Many Things to Be Thankful For

As the Thanksgiving Holiday once again approaches, I'm reminded about my post this time last year. I'd encourage you to read or re-read it. In that post, I talk about the importance of how thankfulness is a choice -- a hard choice. Both in good times when we're distracted, and in bad times when we'd rather complain, thankfulness doesn't come automatically. I also tell a bit more of Daniel's story and his battle with depression. The feedback I've gotten about how this post has encouraged others has uplifted me. Thank you.

So, when I look back on this past year, and all that it has held, I am astounded. God has been so generous. Not only am I in a beautiful new house, home schooling my kids again, and hosting a new Bible study every week, but I am busy (and happily) planning a wedding! That's right! David proposed in mid-August, and we're getting married this coming Easter.

A year ago, I would not have thought this would be, especially so quickly. But it is clear God has prepared my heart and David's, and we are both amazed at God's provision. We are so very thankful for where God has brought us these past ten months. And even through the challenges we've faced together, God has brought us closer as we trust Him and rely on Him for the ability to forgive and love each other.

Another thing I'm so thankful for is the chance to be blessed to have four wonderful bridesmaids who are so excited for me. I'm so thankful for their encouragement, mentoring, servants' hearts, and friendship. We're all looking forward to wedding dress shopping next weekend!

So, as we turn our hearts especially this weekend towards what God has done and is doing for us, amidst blessing and trial, I encourage you to choose to thank God for His grace, providence, and hope, and give Him all the glory.

Give Credit Where Credit's Due

I'm sitting in my new office in my new home as I write this. My kids and I moved a week and a half ago, and it's been a lot of work! But wow, is this house such a blessing! I'm so thankful for how God arranged this new chapter.

Last evening's sunset view from my sundeck.

 

I realize it's been two months since my last post, introducing David to you. It's been very busy finalizing the new build, getting packed and unpacked, and arranging all the details involved in moving. David and I have been officially courting since he moved down here. We've also been meeting with a godly mentor couple every few weeks. We're striving to be intentional as we grow in our relationship.

As I have answered people's questions about how I'm doing and what is happening in my life, and they hear about the new house and my relationship with David, I have received a common response, "Oh, you deserve it!" While I realize where this sentiment comes from -- that people are happy for me considering what I've been through -- it still makes me uneasy. It's as if to say I earned God's favour, or that by suffering what I did karma somehow determines that good should come to me.

That's dangerous theology and philosophy.

I can do nothing to deserve God's favour, and karma is an utter lie. There is no impersonal "force" in the universe that determines events based on causal influences. There is only God Who is sovereign. This God is to Whom we owe our total allegiance based on His very nature, not Who owes us anything.

So, even with the best intentions (which I appreciate), it is just plain wrong to say I deserve the blessings God is giving me. But there is something I do deserve...

Hell.

Thank God I am not getting what I deserve! Ponder this amazing truth:

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God [that is, His remarkable, 

overwhelming gift of grace to believers] is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

           Romans 6:23 AMP

If a gift is deserved, is it truly a gift? Is there anything you or I can do, sinners that we are, to earn favour with a holy God? No. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ that He would offer me such a gift! A gift which Daniel accepted too, and is now basking in the eternal glory of the full meaning of that gift!

Besides, the flip side of that thinking would imply that I somehow deserved the suffering I went through, or more than that, that Daniel deserved to get cancer, suffer excruciatingly, and die. That is the logical conclusion, but I don't think any of us would be okay with that. While there are natural consequences to some decisions we make, and God may choose to discipline those He loves (Heb. 12:6), that's not the case in my situation.

God, in His infinite wisdom and goodness, has His reasons for allowing things in our lives, both suffering and blessing. It's not our job to figure out the why's, but with an attitude of thankfulness to allow whatever our circumstances to teach us more about Him as we allow the Holy Spirit to apply the truth of God's Word to our specific situations. To what ultimate end? To the glory of God's name.

God's Surprises -- Part Three: Everyone, Meet David

Again, first be sure you have read Part 1 and Part 2.

For those who haven't already, I'd like you to meet David...

--

Hi, everyone, my name is David Scott. It is such a blessing to be able to have this opportunity to share a bit about me, and how I’ve come to know Evelyn and her family. I just moved to BC from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, right after finishing getting my Red Seal as an Electrician. Evelyn and I met online, which was a way I was not expecting to find someone with the spiritual maturity that I was looking for.

Up until a few months before we were matched in January, I had been struggling with completely trusting God. But thankfully I was able to do so, with the help of my family whom I truly love and respect. Because of some of my past experiences, I knew what I wanted to look for in a future relationship. Most importantly the woman I would marry had to have a genuine love for God and His Word. Also important was that she had to share my theology, nearly exactly. And if you know my theology then you would agree with me that it’s rare to find someone who does.

 So what caught my attention about Evelyn’s profile was the fact that she listened to lots of sermons from John MacArthur and shared a lot of his views, which is the same person that I listened to most and also shared the same views. Then after going over the rest of her profile and seeing how Christ-centered she spoke, I decided to give her a shot. After messaging back a few times and discovering more about her and her theology, I was amazed that there was someone out there who shared my theology and doctrine so perfectly.

The next thing that I noticed about her profile was that she was a widow. At first I wasn’t sure what to think about that, but decided to see if I could learn more about it. After some fairly long messages and some even longer chats over the phone, I started to get a grasp of what it was like for her and what she has gone through. She even pointed me to this blog, of which I proceeded to read the whole thing in a fairly short period of time. Understanding more of her story, I became more comfortable about the idea of possibly getting into a relationship with Evelyn. But I still needed more time to get to know her and learn more about who she is. After spending countless hours on the phone with her every week, it had become apparent to me that this is something that, God willing, I can see myself being a part of.

I had some doubts about how things would be when I met her and the kids in person, which I got to do at the end of February when I took some vacation time off work and drove down to visit. Meeting Evelyn and her kids made all my doubts go away. Evelyn and I had a great connection, and the kids seemed to get attached to me pretty quickly. I kind of feel like a movie star with all the attention her kids give me. Every time I come over and the kids see me through the window, I can hear them shout my name, “Mr. Scott!” and rush to the door to greet me. My relationship with Evelyn has only grown closer since, while maintaining the boundaries that we’ve set for ourselves.

You might be wondering how I can be okay with hearing so much about Daniel, and having Evelyn share her memories and experiences she had with Daniel with me. It's really simple actually – I know that Daniel was a brother in Christ, and because of that I have the utmost respect for him. I know that he loved Evelyn, Josiah, and Kezia right to the end. I want to honour him as much as I can by learning from him, and how I can be a good husband like he was.

At first it was difficult for me to think about what it will be like to enter into a family that is already started. But thanks to the Word of God and the knowledge of what Christ has done for me, this seems to be what God has been preparing me for.

God's Surprises -- Part Two: eHarmony and the Electrician

First, be sure you have read Part 1.

I’m pretty sure I can guess what a few of you might have thought when you finished Part 1:

            “eHarmony!?! What is she doing on eHarmony? Doesn’t she know how dangerous it is to be on an online dating site? How many weirdos there are out there? And being so vulnerable! Etc. etc.”

Yes? Was that you? Heh, I totally understand.

Well, did you know that I met Daniel on eHarmony? Though we had met a full year before at a mutual friend’s housewarming party, we met online not knowing until our second date we had met before. We met for the first time…twice. It’s a great story.

So, I’m not saying I expected God to do what He did before – not at all. I was not so arrogant to presume to tell God what He needed to do to make me happy, though I have been in the past.

My thinking process that led me to rejoin was like this – having been married, I was (purposefully) no longer in the circles of eligible young men, my story is very unique to which many men would likely reject (or just not be prepared for), plus Daniel had elevated my already very high expectations for character, values, and spiritual maturity. Even if I did meet someone casually, I have so much pertinent back story I would be made far more vulnerable going the “traditional” route because my story is not what someone would expect, and the whole thing would just get awkward.

So, in faith I decided to give God the opportunity to use eHarmony again if He so chose.

eHarmony can work well if you’re careful (and if it’s God’s will). My plan with eHarmony was to spell out who I am, the gist of what I’ve been through, what’s important to me, and what kind of man Daniel was. I included my deal breakers, my goals, and my values. My intention was to scare everyone away (ha, ha) except for perhaps who God might bring along, if He did.

I did my part and then I put it in the background; I didn’t initiate contact with anyone, even the very few who I would have been interested in getting to know. I was only interested in spending my time on someone who knew the key facts and was still interested in me.

And as much as I like to be in control, I left the timing completely up to God. If He chose to use eHarmony again in my life, He would know when I would be ready.

But was it hard waiting and wondering if such a man existed? Oh, yes. And so, I kept praying.

--

I’m tempted to end the post here and leave you all in suspense another week…

But I won’t.

--

Come January, I was matched with such a man.

His name is David. He lived in Saskatchewan, he’s younger than me, and he’s an electrician. As I read those basics and more of his profile, I also had my good friend go over it and his first message to me. As we discussed this preliminary info, she encouraged me to do what I wanted to do which was reply and ask a few more questions. (eHarmony provides a safe and guided communication process where no personal contact info is revealed).

Over the next few days, we progressed through the guided communication process, started emailing and then texting. I was adamant to get all of my potential deal breakers answered and out of the way, as I didn’t have the time or energy to get to know somebody just to find out there’s a huge disconnect.

David was very up front and honest with what God has taught him and brought him through. He showed honour and integrity even through those first messages. He wasn’t scared away by my tough questions! And he asked important questions too, which I happily answered.

So, amazed as I was that I didn’t come across any deal breakers (because I was fully expecting to with my high standards!), we started chatting over the phone. We talked every few days, which over the weeks turned into most days which turned into practically every day. Thank goodness for unlimited long distance minutes!

Taking a cue from how Daniel suggested he and I get to know each other, David and I used the same question card game Daniel and I used, The Ungame. It gave us the opportunity to ask both silly and serious questions to get to know each other, often prompting obscure things to share we would otherwise not have thought of. We learned a lot about each other’s personality and background, and how our values integrated into our lives.

Pretty early on, David asked if he could arrange some vacation time several weeks from then to come down for a visit. He has a bunch of extended family here (and several of them even go to my church!!), so he already had a place to stay. He was going to be starting his last session of schooling for his electrician’s ticket in March, and the end of February would be an ideal time to come down so we could meet.

Honestly, that was still a big step for me and plus it was still really early, but I agreed. As I got to know him more over those next several weeks, I warmed up to the idea of “meeting another guy.” Again, just trusting God to give me wisdom and prepare me.

One of the things that really impressed me about David was that he was totally unthreatened by Daniel. He was okay with and even encouraged me to bring Daniel up. He wanted to know who I was married to, what God taught us both, and what we had been through. I didn’t expect that, and I quickly saw how important that was to me.

When we met at the end of February, we had a few dates, spent time together with the kids, and had games nights with friends. We even attended the Apologetics Canada conference together with friends. I wanted to see him in different contexts and get a sense of who he is around people I know and trust their opinion. He “passed” with flying colors, heh! The kids quickly warmed up to him, and my friends had positive first impressions.

At the end of that first visit, we defined what our relationship was and officially started dating. We outlined our boundaries and expectations of what this next season of long-distance dating would look like. After he returned home, we continued our pattern of intentional conversation (along with lots of casual conversation too), and we read through a lot of Christian-based material on dating and getting to know a significant other.

Three weeks later, David drove the 16 hours down again because that’s how he wanted to spend his four-day weekend for Easter, driving overnight to make it to the Good Friday service at 10AM! And after finishing his exams, he visited again in mid-May for my birthday. And tomorrow he moves to BC! He’ll be staying with relatives until he finds a place, and has several job interviews this week…lots happening! That brings you up to the present.

Next week, you’ll get to meet him here!

God’s Surprises – Part One: New Perspectives

Since the day after Daniel passed away in February, 2015, I wanted to learn about what God wanted for me during this season of widowhood, however long it may last. God had finally given His answer about healing Daniel (it wouldn’t be earthly, but rather, heavenly healing). I didn’t contemplate being a widow before it happened. I couldn’t. I needed to stay in the fight right until the end. I wasn’t in denial about the possibility (at least I eventually wasn’t), but I didn’t dwell on it because I was still married and called to love my husband and fight for him.

And so, the day after my beloved met Jesus face to face, I dug into God’s Word to learn about what He had to say about me now. This is what I found:

“¹⁴ So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.”  1 Timothy 5:14 ESV

The larger context of this verse is about how to honour and care for widows in the church. Paul gives instructions for who should care for widows (if they can’t provide for themselves) and in what priority of responsibility (vv. 3-8). Also, older widows over 60 who have good reputations should be enrolled in an official capacity as mentors to help younger women of the church in their households (vv. 9-10).

But what seemed to be happening with the younger widows is after making a rash vow to God that they would never marry again and wanted to commit themselves to His service alone, they began to desire marriage again and went back on their commitment. They would even become gossips and busybodies as they went from house to house “ministering.” This activity opened them and the church up to slander (vv. 11-13).

So, that is why in verse 14 Paul talks about not giving the adversary an occasion to slander – because the general tendency is for women under 60 to have that desire again for having a family (though there is a caveat in 1 Cor. 7:8-9 about the validity of widows who have been given the gift of singleness remaining single).

Alright, so having studied all of this in depth (John MacArthur does a fantastic job in his series on widows and the church), I started to think about my response to verse 14 – specifically, remarriage.

Wow, what a foreign thought! I still felt married! I was absolutely loyal and faithful to Daniel to the end. I couldn’t just make myself feel single again! Not only that, I so very much enjoyed being married to Daniel, and I couldn’t fathom anyone being as amazing as he was for me. I’m not talking about unrealistically putting him on a pedestal – I’m talking about how God used both our flaws and strengths in each other’s lives to make us more like Christ.

But even more strongly than my devotion to Daniel was my devotion to Jesus and what He had to say about His best for me. And so, even from that day after Daniel died, even though I couldn’t wrap my head around that possibility or even think it possible, I submitted my will to God’s, asking Him to change me and shape my thinking. I gave Him control in this new way in this new season.

Does that mean I just let Him “take the wheel” and sit back? Oh, no. I had a job to do. I proceeded to spend countless hours in the Word, reading the Bible and listening to hundreds of sermons, giving God the opportunity to wash me with His thinking, His Truth, His best. By making that time to be under His instruction of all kinds (doctrine and practical application all over the Bible), His Word gave me the spiritual perspective I needed.

By submitting to Him and trusting that He knew best, He changed me. God’s Word and His eternal “big picture” gave me the strength to go through those early stages of the grieving process, helped me adjust to the immense loss of Daniel and our dreams and plans, and inspired me to start thinking about what new things God might do.

There were a few moments of significant new perspective and other more gradual changes in thinking and feeling. I’ve written in this blog about a lot of those things He’s been teaching me. It has been and continues to be a hard but necessary process.

Starting with the submission of my will, slowly my heart opened up to the possibility and desire to remarry, though I was still fraught with the doubt that there could be anyone like Daniel….Hmm, I just reread my post from Dec., “The Things I Talk to God About.” Yeah, that was an especially personal post. I hope you’ve read it, as it explains a lot of where I was at. After that “gauntlet” of the Christmas season, my grief turned a corner. God continued to heal me. Like I’ve said, I will always grieve, but it will look different over time. But I digress….

I’m so thankful for the many friends who have shared conversations, prayers, and tears with me through these past several months. By talking through what God has been teaching me and changing in my perspective, I have grown in my faith. And so, last fall, with the accountability of a good friend, I stepped out in faith and re-joined eHarmony….

- To Be Continued -