During these past few months, my grief still contains near daily bouts of tears, and hard waves of grief coming a few times a week. Still, several times every day, tears well up in my eyes as I think about how much I miss Daniel.
I'm in the middle of my first "ten-day gauntlet," I call it -- the first Christmas season. It started with Daniel's birthday on the 17th and ends with the 27th, our anniversary. It's most of the major "firsts" in a matter of days. I don't know how much energy I'll have for being with people in the midst of my ever-present grief. It's not that I'm expecting to be miserable; it's just that I'm tentative to expect something more than what I actually experience, which would just disappoint me even more than I already am with God's plan.
There. I wrote it.
That is part of how I'm feeling. I'm disappointed that God didn't give me (in this life) more time with such an amazing man who was the perfect match for me.
As I contemplate the possibility of marrying again, while part of me is hopeful, the other part remembers all of the intricate facets of my relationship with Daniel -- how well-suited we were for each other. And it's impossible for me to really imagine that kind of connection with anyone else.
Thus, I'm exceedingly disappointed that our perfect match was so short-lived, especially when I need him so profoundly. I need his spiritual leadership, his acceptance and encouragement, his wisdom, his joy and sense of humor, his being a father to my children, his arms to hold me.
My heart is shattered at our separation for the remainder of this life. My heart feels raw, gaping open and hemorrhaging. My daily life often just feels like I'm trying to survive and get through the day. Yes, teach and train the kids -- that's my primary role that's still so important -- but I feel like I'm simply treading water while trying to juggle. Even with having the important role of "mom," I feel like so much of life is aimless.
When Daniel died, so did our dreams together. There is so much less joy now that I don't have him with whom to dream and plan together. We were on this wonderful adventure together, and it was exhilarating living it by his side. Many evenings as we chatted about even little things in our living room, I would just think to myself how blessed I was to have such an amazing husband. I loved encouraging him, helping and supporting him, being so proud of him. I loved him. I always will.
This is why I feel so disappointed -- that what felt like just the beginning of a decades-long adventure was cut so short; what had just begun already ended.
It feels like the building of a great piece of music, flowing and soft with intricate melodies and harmonies. The symphony envelops you and carries you along. You're enraptured by it and you eagerly anticipate the weaving together of the beautiful, unique melodies.
Then a minor key filled with dissonance and foreboding. Then, mid-note, the players stop, close their books and haphazardly leave the stage. The piece will never be finished; the crescendo you longed for will never be played. It was never even composed. Utter disappointment.
I feel so incredibly sad that what should have been will never be. My children will never have Daniel to raise them. He had prepared for so long to be a godly father throughout all the stages of child-rearing, but he only had a few healthy years at it. Kezia wasn't even a year old when daddy was in so much pain and was forced to step back from being the involved father he so longed to be. She won't even remember what it was like having daddy home! That breaks my heart further.
A nativity scene that Daniel started carving. It will never be finished.
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All of this is what I talk to God about. I'm honest with Him. I cry out to Him in my pain, sadness, and broken-heartedness. And just like my prayers, I cannot leave this entry without reminding myself and you of the truth I know for certain even in the midst of all of these feelings.
I know that:
- God is still on His throne, sovereign over all
- God is not surprised by the events that have disappointed me so much, nor by my disappointment
- God is the ultimate Composer, speaking ALL of creation into existence, and He's not done revealing the notes and harmonies He wrote before all of time even began
- My relationship with Daniel isn't over -- it is merely the intermission, and the second part will be even better than the first. No comparison!
