David and I have just been very occupied with finishing our entire basement -- by ourselves! It's been a pretty steep learning curve, and countless hours from both of us working hard. But we are so glad to finally have it all done! Our unfinished basement was about 1000 sq. ft. so a fair size. We turned it into two extra bedrooms (one a guest room and the other a media room/guest room), along with a large playroom for the kids, as well as a full bathroom. Other than a bit of help with the trim from David's brother-in-law (thanks again, Nathan!), and getting the carpet installed, we did everything. David did the framing, plumbing, electrical (of course!), and resilient channel; then I helped him with sound insulation, drywall, mudding and taping, sanding, priming, painting, trim, caulking, tiling, grouting, installing the bathroom fixtures, and finishing touches! We are thrilled to have that space to share with friends and family, and to have that room for the kids to play and for us all to spend a lot of time together as a family. The other big bonus is that by doing it ourselves (because we were careful to do a proper job and diligent with the details), we tripled our investment with what we saved on labour and the added value to the house.
But enough of all of that. That's just to say where we've been all this time. Otherwise, the fall has been pretty normal. Home schooling, work, and getting more involved with our church has filled the rest of our schedule. David and I also just attended a marriage conference getaway, so that was so nice to spend a lot of time on our own, learning more about each other.
I had a request from a reader to go into more detail about my courtship and engagement with David. This reader had asked specifically about how we set our boundaries and sought to honour each other with our actions. David and I certainly had a less "conventional" relationship, having met through eHarmony and getting to know each other long distance between Saskatchewan and here.
Having those long conversations without physical contact, however, was very helpful. We were able to really focus on learning about each other's heart without the added distraction of physical attraction. David's first visit was just as a friend, and the week ended with us officially defining our relationship. We talked specifically about physical boundaries going forward at that time, as we had only discussed the topic in a general way up until then.
Having been married before, I knew that my physical boundaries would need to be different than they were even with Daniel. Being married changes the meaning of a hug or even holding hands. Daniel and I starting holding hands shortly after we started officially dating, but with David, I knew I needed to save that until later on in our relationship. I also knew I wasn't comfortable kissing each other until we were married, because that definitely meant something different to me given my past. So, we decided that we would side-hug while dating, first hold hands when we got engaged, and our first kiss would be on our wedding day.
And from David's perspective, he was very agreeable to our rather strict guidelines. He had given away more than he was proud of in a previous relationship before he was a Christian, so he saw the value of saving those privileges and investing more meaning into them by waiting. It gave us clarity as we continued to get to know each other, rather than clouding the waters with temptation.
By having those intentional (albeit sometimes awkward) conversations, we worked to be on the same page. And that certainly helped. But just because those decisions were made didn't mean we could be lax in our self-control. We were still careful to be vigilant to continue to live up to our standards and inform the other person if there were any tempting situations the other wasn't aware of. We sought to honour and protect each other by not allowing compromises.
Some may say, wow, that's a lot of unnecessary work! Why not just enjoy yourselves more? The big answer to that question? Because all of that saved connection when planted in the soil of marriage sprouts such connection and bondedness, bringing deeply rooted joy! Sharing our first kiss at the altar was incredibly special and memorable! I am reminded of the various times in the Song of Solomon where the bride cautions the daughters of Jerusalem to not awaken love until it pleases (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). And we know from many other places in the Bible that physical intimacy is to be saved for marriage.
Given our context, we chose to be rather strict in our boundaries. Is that a rule for everyone? No, of course not. Daniel and I, for example (having very little past history relationally) decided to share our first kiss at engagement (my very first, which was extremely special). We were also very intentional in our relationship, just not as strict as David and I were. So, while the specific boundaries will differ from situation to situation, the biblical principle remains the same:
Do not defraud the other person.
What do I mean by that? Not promising the other person something you have no right to give them -- not until you're married. Frankly speaking, if something is arousing, stay far away from it. You should not awaken something in yourself or the other person until it can rightfully be fulfilled in the context of marriage. So, whatever that honestly looks like for any given couple, that is what they need to be faithful to -- before God and each other.
But like I said, it's not just a killjoy rule that God arbitrarily gave us. It truly does produce the most joy -- it just takes work and patience to get there. But it's so worth it! The trust that forms when both people in the relationship seek to put the other first and honour them is a beautiful foundation upon which to build that marriage. And consider this -- should that courtship or engagement not work out (for example, I was in a previous courtship in my early 20's that was answered with a "no" to marriage), if both are careful not to defraud the other person, then there are no regrets. Conversely, giving in to temptation to gratify the flesh, while it seems pleasurable in the moment, leads to deep regret, guilt, and shame, which can be incredibly hard and lengthy to work through.
Yes, we all have failed in this area to some degree or another. Does that mean we've ruined our lives? No. By the grace of God, we can be forgiven and renewed. We need to confess our sin before God and ask for His forgiveness and power to sanctify us. But sometimes there are long-term consequences -- some lasting the rest of our lives -- because we live in a Genesis three world. It is yet another reason we long for a glorified body which He promises to give us one day.
In the meantime, God designed us for pleasure. Thus, He has the right to tell us how to best enjoy it! Trust that He knows what He's talking about and give Him the glory for such an abundant gift!
Playing in the leaves at Cultus Lake, part of David`s childhood memories.
