Basements and Boundaries

So sorry for the long delay since my last post in, what, August? I'm sure some of you have been wondering if this blog is still alive. It is, so no worries.

David and I have just been very occupied with finishing our entire basement -- by ourselves! It's been a pretty steep learning curve, and countless hours from both of us working hard. But we are so glad to finally have it all done! Our unfinished basement was about 1000 sq. ft. so a fair size. We turned it into two extra bedrooms (one a guest room and the other a media room/guest room), along with a large playroom for the kids, as well as a full bathroom. Other than a bit of help with the trim from David's brother-in-law (thanks again, Nathan!), and getting the carpet installed, we did everything. David did the framing, plumbing, electrical (of course!), and resilient channel; then I helped him with sound insulation, drywall, mudding and taping, sanding, priming, painting, trim, caulking, tiling, grouting, installing the bathroom fixtures, and finishing touches! We are thrilled to have that space to share with friends and family, and to have that room for the kids to play and for us all to spend a lot of time together as a family. The other big bonus is that by doing it ourselves (because we were careful to do a proper job and diligent with the details), we tripled our investment with what we saved on labour and the added value to the house.

But enough of all of that. That's just to say where we've been all this time. Otherwise, the fall has been pretty normal. Home schooling, work, and getting more involved with our church has filled the rest of our schedule. David and I also just attended a marriage conference getaway, so that was so nice to spend a lot of time on our own, learning more about each other.

I had a request from a reader to go into more detail about my courtship and engagement with David. This reader had asked specifically about how we set our boundaries and sought to honour each other with our actions. David and I certainly had a less "conventional" relationship, having met through eHarmony and getting to know each other long distance between Saskatchewan and here.

Having those long conversations without physical contact, however, was very helpful. We were able to really focus on learning about each other's heart without the added distraction of physical attraction. David's first visit was just as a friend, and the week ended with us officially defining our relationship. We talked specifically about physical boundaries going forward at that time, as we had only discussed the topic in a general way up until then.

Having been married before, I knew that my physical boundaries would need to be different than they were even with Daniel. Being married changes the meaning of a hug or even holding hands. Daniel and I starting holding hands shortly after we started officially dating, but with David, I knew I needed to save that until later on in our relationship. I also knew I wasn't comfortable kissing each other until we were married, because that definitely meant something different to me given my past. So, we decided that we would side-hug while dating, first hold hands when we got engaged, and our first kiss would be on our wedding day.

And from David's perspective, he was very agreeable to our rather strict guidelines. He had given away more than he was proud of in a previous relationship before he was a Christian, so he saw the value of saving those privileges and investing more meaning into them by waiting. It gave us clarity as we continued to get to know each other, rather than clouding the waters with temptation.

By having those intentional (albeit sometimes awkward) conversations, we worked to be on the same page. And that certainly helped. But just because those decisions were made didn't mean we could be lax in our self-control. We were still careful to be vigilant to continue to live up to our standards and inform the other person if there were any tempting situations the other wasn't aware of. We sought to honour and protect each other by not allowing compromises.

Some may say, wow, that's a lot of unnecessary work! Why not just enjoy yourselves more? The big answer to that question? Because all of that saved connection when planted in the soil of marriage sprouts such connection and bondedness, bringing deeply rooted joy! Sharing our first kiss at the altar was incredibly special and memorable! I am reminded of the various times in the Song of Solomon where the bride cautions the daughters of Jerusalem to not awaken love until it pleases (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). And we know from many other places in the Bible that physical intimacy is to be saved for marriage.

Given our context, we chose to be rather strict in our boundaries. Is that a rule for everyone? No, of course not. Daniel and I, for example (having very little past history relationally) decided to share our first kiss at engagement (my very first, which was extremely special). We were also very intentional in our relationship, just not as strict as David and I were. So, while the specific boundaries will differ from situation to situation, the biblical principle remains the same:

Do not defraud the other person.

What do I mean by that? Not promising the other person something you have no right to give them -- not until you're married. Frankly speaking, if something is arousing, stay far away from it. You should not awaken something in yourself or the other person until it can rightfully be fulfilled in the context of marriage. So, whatever that honestly looks like for any given couple, that is what they need to be faithful to -- before God and each other.

But like I said, it's not just a killjoy rule that God arbitrarily gave us. It truly does produce the most joy -- it just takes work and patience to get there. But it's so worth it! The trust that forms when both people in the relationship seek to put the other first and honour them is a beautiful foundation upon which to build that marriage. And consider this -- should that courtship or engagement not work out (for example, I was in a previous courtship in my early 20's that was answered with a "no" to marriage), if both are careful not to defraud the other person, then there are no regrets. Conversely, giving in to temptation to gratify the flesh, while it seems pleasurable in the moment, leads to deep regret, guilt, and shame, which can be incredibly hard and lengthy to work through.

Yes, we all have failed in this area to some degree or another. Does that mean we've ruined our lives? No. By the grace of God, we can be forgiven and renewed. We need to confess our sin before God and ask for His forgiveness and power to sanctify us. But sometimes there are long-term consequences -- some lasting the rest of our lives -- because we live in a Genesis three world. It is yet another reason we long for a glorified body which He promises to give us one day.

In the meantime, God designed us for pleasure. Thus, He has the right to tell us how to best enjoy it! Trust that He knows what He's talking about and give Him the glory for such an abundant gift!

Playing in the leaves at Cultus Lake, part of David`s childhood memories.

Summer So Far

Well, somehow it's already been more than two months since my last post, and nearly that long in our new home in Chilliwack. Many people have asked me how we like it here. Straight up -- we love it. We feel so very blessed to have such a beautiful house, live in a lovely area, be close to such good friends, and go to a wonderful church.

Since the move, David and I have worked hard at getting settled in our new home, working on projects both big and small. He's currently working on finishing our basement (which is fun for him -- more or less -- being an electrician). We're also thankful he no longer has to commute all the way to North Vancouver (!), as he got a supervisor position with a company in Abbotsford. We spend our time together as a family at Cultus Lake or local trails, or just together at home playing together or letting the kids "help" us with projects and errands.

Of course there have been challenges along with the blessings. It's been a ton of work for me doing all the name changes in the various areas I've needed to, and a lot of waiting. Waiting for the legal certificate, waiting in government office line-ups, waiting for ID to come in the mail, waiting for fixes to people's mistakes, waiting on hold to talk to the right people -- checking off all the items on my list. But it's been worth it. I don't regret making the change so that I could keep Daniel's last name in my name and the kids', but also be Scott's like David. Hyphenating his name into our middle names was the right way to go.

Other challenges have been just getting settled into our married life. I have obviously had to adjust to being married to a different man, and David has had to start learning how to be a husband and father. Big changes for both of us! But by God's grace, we are growing closer, sharing with each other how we're feeling and learning how to better communicate and show love effectively to each other.

The summer isn't over yet! For August we still have Family Camp with David's extended family (an annual tradition), and Josiah gets to attend Day Camp at Timberline for the first time! And it has been so great to see several Maple Ridge friends for visits here already too! So, if you want to come for a visit, let us know!

Moving Day and Memories

Well, I should probably be doing more packing, but while David's at his men's Bible study, I thought I would post an update on how things are going. Yes, we move to Chilliwack in three days!

Having only gotten back from our wonderful honeymoon two and a half weeks ago, it's been a whirlwind! Between arranging movers, renting packing crates, switching utilities, applying for a legal name change, finishing the home schooling year, packing, doing all the legwork for the financial and legal sides of the sale and purchase, and still being a mom to two great kids and a new wife to an amazing husband -- yeah, it's been crazy!

The hardest part seems to be over as of today, with just a few details remaining before we get the keys in a few days. I think now I can finally start to get excited -- it's hard when there's so much work looming before me (even with all of David's help packing, which has been such a blessing!).

But God has certainly provided, as He is so good at doing! Though this transition and the time frame have been challenging, we are so thankful for how God has and is preparing our path. Not only has He provided this home for this past season, but He is providing a wonderful new home for our family to enjoy, a church we are so excited about serving in, and many wonderful new friends (and even close "old" friends who are moving to Chilliwack now too to buy a larger house and attend the same church!).

I was reflecting to David about our upcoming move and what it means to me. As we were driving around Maple Ridge on some errands, it occurred to me in a new way that moving to Chilliwack would be a fresh start. It's not that Maple Ridge holds bad memories for me -- not at all. My memories of this town are many and varied, but overall very positive. Maple Ridge held a special place in Daniel's heart because that's where Timberline is. I grew to love this place too and the many friends I have here.

Living here, however, is emotionally taxing. No, I'm certainly not running away from my past. It's just that, given my history, Maple Ridge is full of triggers. Taking the same route towards the hospital that I drove one to three times a day for seven months, driving past the funeral home, seeing the sign to the cemetery -- and generally being blindsided by grief when I am not prepared, over and over again. That's been hard. And even the many, many good memories have turned bittersweet.

So, I think moving to a new city (and it's so new I'll still be using my GPS to get around for the first while), will be a wonderful way in which David and I can start building our own life together. Maple Ridge will remain special because it will represent my relationship with Daniel. And hopefully with time, the bittersweet aspect will be transformed to a settled sombre sweetness. And Chilliwack, I hope, will grow to represent this new season that God has so graciously provided.

And I do need to add that David has been, oh, so understanding. He has been patient with me during those triggers and bouts of grief, and has sought to comfort me and serve me. I am so thankful for him, and for how God has provided a husband who is not only devoted to me and the kids, but to learning how to serve God more by providing for our needs as a husband and father in a very specific situation.

And so, the countdown continues. I need to return to my packing, but I just want to end this post with something final to reflect on. Change and transition are happening to each and every one of you reading this. Some are small; some are big. Some are good changes; some are incredibly difficult and life-changing. But one thing remains the same: Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Heb. 13:8). Our trust in Him will never -- no, never -- be disappointed. Seek God's will and His desires as your first priority, and He will make your paths straight. No, they won't necessarily be easy, but the paths He leads us on will always do one thing -- bring Him glory, for He and He alone deserves it. Amen.

"Okay, kids, look at your mom!"

Wedding Day!

In just a few short hours, I will have the absolute honour and privilege of joining my life in marriage to my best friend, David. It amazes me how God has prepared David for this unique role -- to marry a widow and raise her children as his own. God has done a work in each of our lives since we met 15 months ago, and He has faithfully and gently knit our hearts together. I am so excited to be married to David! And I am incredibly thankful that my children will have a second father who loves them so much.

I praise God for His faithfulness in my life as He has brought me through so much in the last three years. I have seen His providence in both incredibly tragic suffering and in wonderfully enriching blessing.

Throughout Daniel's cancer, He sustained us.

Throughout Daniel's dying, He upheld us.

Throughout my grieving, He transformed me (and continues to).

Throughout my parenting as a single mom, He taught me.

Throughout my courtship with David, He lavished His grace on us.

Throughout these last few months especially, with the unexpected move coming up and planning for it, as well as my dad going home to Heaven just three weeks ago, God has been merciful, given us wisdom, and has prepared our way. (I am so glad my dad is free from his suffering from Alzheimer's).

And it is my prayer (if you will join me in praying) that throughout my marriage to David, He will bless us so that He will be further glorified.

We're Moving...Again?

It's been a very hectic past five weeks. David and I have been figuring out where we're going to live once we get married. But, you might be thinking, didn't I just finish building a house with my mom and move in last summer? Yes. So...why?

Well, to make a long story short, five weeks ago, my mom announced that she wants to move. Because of my dad's advancing Alzheimer's and his inability to be cared for at home, my mom wants to move to a retirement complex closer to where he is in Surrey. So, that means that since we both own this home, and David and I can't afford her share of the house, my family needs to move. That's not exactly what we were planning on; but to be fair, nor was my mom planning on my dad's health deteriorating so quickly.

So, the last five weeks David and I have spent discussing our next steps, finding out our options,  discerning where God wants us to be, and making big decisions. The two driving factors of our decision-making process have been family and church. We were looking for a place where we could afford a home that would satisfy our needs for raising our family long-term, and a place which had a solidly biblical church. Maple Ridge, we found out, was too expensive to live in for what we were looking for, so that eliminated that option.

A few weeks before my mom even brought this up, we had learned of a church we were especially interested in, but figured it was too far away to be feasible to attend. It was out in Chilliwack. But now with this forced move, we investigated both the church and the area's real estate market. Both factors were what we were looking for.

So, after much prayer, extensive research, and wise counsel, we are moving to Chilliwack at the end of May, a mere three weeks after we return from our honeymoon!

This house sold within a day (!), and we just removed subjects on a new home in Chilliwack. Whew! What a whirlwind! While there have been challenges along the way, we have clearly seen God at work in arranging countless details to make all of this happen so quickly. We are so thankful and give Him the glory!

As an interesting side-note, David was actually born in Chilliwack and lived there until he was nine. So, this is kind of like coming home for him in a way. It is a beautiful area, and has a strong home-schooling community, so we're looking forward to putting down our roots there.

While we are excited for this new, though unexpected, chapter, we are very sad to move away from so many close and wonderful friends. We are committed to keeping those connections and nurturing those friendships in whatever ways possible. (Even the ladies from my widows Bible study are willing to come all the way out there for our once a month meetings!). While Chilliwack is only an hour east of here, we know it won't be the same. But we trust that God has given us this opportunity in Chilliwack for a reason -- for His purposes and plan.

100th Post and 99 Days

A friend of mine (who I met after Daniel passed away) told me the other day that she read through the entire blog over Christmas, having only read the newest ones so far. I was struck by how many posts that meant she read and how much that covered. Looking over the past nearly three years, I have seen how much God has been working on in me, how active He has been around me, and I’ve been reminded how graciously he worked in and through Daniel.

This 100^th post is something of a milestone for me. It comes at the beginning of a new year; a year in which I will remarry (99 days to go!). This blog carries with it a lot of history – the reflections of much hardship and intense trial, inviting others to join with us to take part in what God is doing, and the encouraging things along the way.  I don’t know what God will yet do through this humble blog (or in my life, for that matter!), but it is my prayer He will continue to work through Daniel’s and my story (along with David and my kids) for His glory.