The Last First

Last Thursday, the 18^th, marked the first anniversary of Daniel’s death. Friends have remarked to me that it's hard for them to believe it's been a year already, and yet it feels like five years since he was here. I can relate.

During the days leading up to the date, I was unsure of what the day would hold for me. Would it be really hard? Super emotional? I anticipated that it would differ from the “gauntlet” of December, not in significance but in context. December was the first birthday, Christmas, and wedding anniversary without Daniel, all in a matter of ten days. Those days have been special for years, holding many wonderful memories, now turned bittersweet.

  

February 18^th only gained significance last year, and in a different way. Its passing didn’t commemorate what used to be especially good memories that day in the past, but rather a marking of Daniel’s homecoming and his deliverance from intense suffering. All things considered, it was an incredibly happy day for him; for me and the kids, a dark first day of temporary separation.

This past Wednesday evening, the 17^th, was in some ways harder. Last year, that was the last evening I had with him. The last time I saw him alive, even though he was almost totally unresponsive. The last time I held his hand; told him I loved him; said my last goodbye.

Oh, how I look forward to when we are reunited!

On Sunday, several friends, the kids, and I gathered at Daniel’s grave after church for a little worship service. We sang some of his favorite hymns and songs, read a few of his favorite Scripture passages, reminisced about what we admired about him, and thanked God for Daniel’s life and legacy and for his current joy with Jesus. It was a special time.

Thank you to all of you who have shared encouraging words with me and sent me Facebook messages telling me you’re praying for the kids and I. That means so much. Thank you to Timberline for the beautiful flowers.

I thank God for how He has been working in my heart this past year, strengthening me to emotionally process that very traumatic season, healing me from the pain (a process that won’t end until Heaven), and helping me dream new dreams. My prayer is that He would give me the wisdom and discernment to make the decisions which would glorify Him the most.

To Him be all the glory.

Forever Home

My parents and I are in the process of building a house together. It’s a wonderful thing to look forward to! My dad has Alzheimer’s, and my mom, Daniel, and I had been talking about combining households since before Daniel was diagnosed with cancer in early 2014. And now, it’s even more important to have the added support. My parents will be in the self-contained suite on the lower walk-out level, and the kids and I on the upper two floors, giving us the extra spaces we need and don’t have now. What a blessing! Plus, Daniel’s uncle and cousin are building it for us!

 (Photo taken this past Sunday.)

I’m not moving far; only about ten minutes from where I am now. I definitely want to stay in Maple Ridge around all of the people who have been such an amazing support system on this very rough road.

I’ve always been interested in interior design and coming up with creative and cost-effective ways to make an inviting and beautiful home. Lately as part of my research to make wise decisions, I’ve been watching design videos online to get some more ideas. A phrase that keeps coming up when people are so pleased with their new dream home is they dub it their “forever home.” They never want to leave.

This struck me as interesting and somewhat saddening, given my heightened awareness of the temporary nature of this world. Every home, no matter how new it is or how much it cost, will break down and deteriorate over time; but more than that, everything we see will eventually burn to a crisp after Jesus Christ has returned and has reigned for a millennia on a temporarily renovated earth, and then He will destroy this current universe and recreate a New Heaven and a New Earth, totally and eternally free from any and all vestiges of the curse of sin (Revelation 21-22).

So, given that perspective, what are we living for? If all of this is temporary (and by God’s grace there are still many blessings in this fallen world), how are we to allow that eternal perspective to shape our decisions with our time, talents, and treasures? If it’s all going to burn up and we can’t take any of it with us, what is the point of the things we have? Is it merely to enjoy them, get personal pleasure from them, and to be comfortable? There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the blessings God chooses to give us to steward, but that shouldn’t be the end goal of those blessings. Jesus said in Matthew 6:19-21 (AMP):

           

19 Do not gather and heap up and store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust and worm consume and destroy, and where thieves break through and steal.20 But gather and heap up and store for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust nor worm consume and destroy, and where thieves do not break through and steal;21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Daniel mentioned this idea in his blog post here. He talked about an idea that resonated for him from Randy Alcorn’s “The Treasure Principle” of living for the line, not the dot – how eternity is like an unending line, and our brief lives here are merely a dot by comparison. That’s how Daniel lived. He saw his time, his gifts, our money, our things, and all of the other blessings from God as ways in which to glorify Him, to be used to help build God’s Kingdom. And those of you who knew him can attest to the great extent to which God used Daniel in the lives of so many for eternity.

And so, with the wonderful new house to look forward to (as the Lord wills), a constant theme and guiding principle in my mind is how can I use this blessing to not only bless my family but also be a blessing to many others? I look forward to opening my home by hosting a small group from my church, having friends and family over for encouraging conversations and fun, uplifting times. I see this new home as a tool to be used by God through the gifts He has given me to bring glory to His name.

Daniel is enjoying his forever home (though even that will look different eventually too when Rev. 21-22 happens). He is excitedly enjoying his eternal reward of having a great capacity with which to glorify and worship Jesus, face to face. And as much as I miss him, I am so happy that he already gets to be forever home.