Two very different perspectives on suffering

As I'm sitting here beside Daniel's bed, I have been reflecting on the especially tough past three days. I've been following up on treatment ideas that God has brought to my attention, doing my due diligence in research as always and asking the medical team their thoughts.

That asking brought up some very hard conversations that have both drained me emotionally and have given me yet more opportunities to share the truth of God and the hope we have in Him.

The doctor basically told me that because Daniel's suffering is so severe and his quality of life so poor, his life isn't worth living anymore and it's time to let him go. And she said she refused to try any further treatments on him that would just prolong his suffering. She said she thinks God has already given us His answer.

All of this was over the course of a few conversations, one a phone call and the other a formal meeting with the team. In the meeting, I was able to relieve my concern that anyone would try to alleviate his suffering by depriving him of that which is necessary for life (which unfortunately is not unheard of, even in Fraser Health), so I am thankful Daniel will still get all the care he needs.

I merely got my straight answer which I prayed for regarding the idea I had been researching, though not without having to insist on a robust discussion hearing all points of view rather than just the one doctor's. The answer is no, and I will continue to trust God with how He is leading.

I think the most vital part of that discussion was the differing views on suffering. To a non-Christian, suffering like Daniel's is always bad, always purposeless, and always hopeless. God gave me the opportunity to share His view on suffering, and I will let Him do what He wants with that conversation. I said that when God allows us to go through suffering, even suffering as horrible as Daniel's, He not only has purposes for it, but He gives us the strength and comfort to endure it. 

I take these opportunities to share God's truth and love very seriously and pray intensely before and after so that I can be intentional with my words, not only representing Daniel's wishes when he can't speak for himself, but most importantly representing winsomely the God Whom we serve. This is the essence of our ministry here in the hospital.

Are there loads and loads of emotions to deal with? Oh, my, yes. It is utterly exhausting. But as I do the hard work of continuing to surrender to God all of what I'm dealing with, and I immerse my mind in His Word, He gives me the strength I need. Like to write this blog. A few hours ago, I had absolutely no abilities to write anything because of the strain of the past few days, etc. To God be the glory for sustaining me.

As for how Daniel is doing, he continues to decline. While he is still responsive, his fatigue makes him sleep most of the time. There is more swelling in his face and feet, and he needed another transfusion on Monday. He had another random bleed today, though it thankfully clotted itself over time.

The doctors have reiterated that in their experience he doesn't have much time left. I have been told that if anyone wants to say their goodbyes, now is the time.

We aren't living in denial that the medical perspective on things may turn out to be correct. If God should call Daniel home to Heaven, then that is best, certainly for Daniel.

... I'm home now. My visit with Daniel was good, all things considered. I'm so thankful he was able to respond to me, mostly by his eyes but also some yes or no signing. At the end he needed to write something, but that was a long, frustrating process due to his preexisting dyslexia and fatigue. It took several minutes before the nurse and I finally understood the single phrase he wanted to communicate.

So, as I was saying, we are praying for that which will glorify God the most, surrendering our desires to continue to serve God together. The Bible tells us to be persistent in asking for our God-honoring desires. I continue to spend hours a day pouring my heart out to God just so I can function. He knows our desires and our suffering. He is gracious and compassionate. He knows what He's doing. And each time my heart constricts at the thought of my beloved husband dying, I turn that over to God once more, reminding myself of Who He is. Layer by layer, I surrender.

His will be done, and may He get all the glory.