Going Back

It has been nearly two weeks since my last post. Life has been a mix of taking care of more details with Daniel's passing, continuing to form a new "normal" for however long that will last, accomplishing projects for my own sanity (cleaning and organizing, etc.), but also a lot of loneliness. Don't get me wrong, though; I have been so thankful for all of the support, encouragement, and welcoming smiles around me -- and all of that helps so much. But part of this grieving process is a profound sense of loneliness. Daniel was such an amazing husband and father, best friend and spiritual leader, that his death has left a huge hole in my heart and life. Only God can comfort me in those waves of missing him and begin to heal my heart as I remember the good times and try to imagine being that happy again. At the same time, however, I remember that life isn't about my happiness, but bringing glory to the God I serve.

Daniel's things from his hospital room were dropped off this week by the friends who emptied his room for me the day he passed away. I have spent some time going through the things, and I tell you, it's pretty hard. He kept a lot of his papers, for example, with his conversations with people -- the important ones that conveyed his feelings and stories. He kept them I think so he could refer back to them later. It's interesting reading through these one-sided conversations, and often just being overcome by his faith and his strength. Oh, how I miss him!

A week and a half ago, I visited the ward for the first time since the day Daniel's body died. I went on my own, having wanted to go back and say thank you for a long time but didn't have the opportunity with babysitting. Walking down the hall towards the first nurse I saw who had taken care of Daniel, I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotion that hit me. Daniel's passing was such an abrupt change to that very hard season of "normal," going from spending just about every evening at the hospital with him for seven months, to not being there at all and thus, not seeing any of those nurses either. Seeing the three familiar faces who were there that day was good but hard. I'm so glad I got the chance to say thank you and to pass along my thanks through them to the other nurses. One of the key nurses had been transferred down to Emerg. so I went down there on my way out. She wasn't on so I left a note.

The nurse who took my info said I was very brave to come back. I needed to. I knew I needed this closure. I then went back to the van and let out the emotion. Going back for this visit was painful and emotionally exhausting, yes, but I needed to do it so I could say another layer of goodbye -- not to Daniel, but to this extremely trying season through which God has sought to mature me. I am a better person because of it, and I rejoice in knowing God has been glorified through it, but I am still a battered, broken woman who has a big, raw hole in my heart that I am trusting God with to fill and heal. He knows what He is doing.

Here are a few excerpts of the notes Daniel left. I keep going back to them to remind myself of God's faithfulness -- so in that way, Daniel is certainly still being a spiritual leader.